This video is about a woman who got out of an abusive relationship. The video documents the story of what it looks like for the woman now that she is in a new relationship. While I am not in a new relationship, it does show really well what happens to me when I am around men in general, especially in the scenes where she is expressing her opinion about something and he doesn't like it so he pushes her.
I am scared to express my opinion around a man because I fear he will turn violent.
I feel scared when standing close to a man because I fear he will hurt me. That is why I always take a step away. Some days I have the courage to stay put, but even when I do I am still frozen on the inside.
I am terrified when there is a man standing behind me because I fear being violated. There are two main situations that contribute to this:
1. The first time I was assaulted at thirteen years old. I was standing in the cafeteria at school and my abuser walked up behind me and began to touch me inappropriately.
2. The first time I was punched by my ex-husband. It happened two weeks after our wedding. I had just gotten out of the shower and I was sitting at the kitchen table with a towel on my head. I was facing the wall and he was standing behind me. I don't know what the conversation was about, but he didn't like what I said and he punched me in the back of the head. I couldn't even see it coming.
Cognitively, I know that I am transferring the fear of what other men have done to me on to the men in my current life. I know that is not fair and I am genuinely sorry. With counselling, Celebrate Recovery, and some healthy friendships, I am constantly growing and experiencing some freedom.
I don't know if I will be broken like this for the rest of my life.
And, yes, somebody really did do me wrong.