A friend of mine was talking this week about an issue she witnessed while at her gym and how upset she was by it. She said she went home and talked to her husband and he helped her work through it.
That is what I miss being able to do as a single person (not that my ex did it well). There are so many topics that come up throughout my studies that I would like to talk about and explore. It would be such a blessing to come home and have an honest conversation with a spouse and have him respond with grace, kindness, and gentleness. That is something I have never known and yet long for. How can I miss something so much that I never even had?
I want someone to talk through personal epiphanies.
I want someone to ask me hard questions and challenge my findings.
I want someone to listen when I need to vent about difficult relationships.
The other part of it is that I am a listener. I ask questions and I listen. When I do open up, I have strategically and intentionally worked out in my mind that I would share, and what I would share.
Another part is that I am a strong, tall, independent woman, and that presentation often comes across as not needing anyone or anything.
And, I must say, I have done a decent job at keeping my chin up and getting things done for myself over the past nine years. I mean, I packed up my two kids and our dog and moved twenty-two hours away from home to a place where I only knew two people. I went back to school, three times, got my daughter through high school, worked as a successful paralegal for almost three years, volunteered at many church events, attended every Sunday, lost about sixty pounds, and managed to keep us afloat (with some help from my mom on that one).
I know part of what I want to do in the future. I know the things that drive me and propel me forward. I am very aware of my gifts and I enjoy using them as much as possible (even though people thinking I am weird does hold me back sometimes).
Somehow I need to figure out how to keep doing this on my own. Without question, Celebrate Recovery and the many friends I have met over the years have been instrumental in getting me this far. Now I am moving on to the next chapter. I don't know what that looks like, but I do know that I have to start being my own biggest fan (Rob White reference). I also have to slap my own leg (Steven Furtick reference).
I have to stop holding back just because I have no one to share my challenges and successes with. I need to be content with coming home to myself. (My kids are home, but they do their own thing).
Through my writing today, I have encouraged myself and given myself a pep talk. Perhaps I just need to be intentional about blogging again, since I do draw so much energy from it. When I come home and want to talk about something, perhaps what I need to do is blog it. Writing has always been a close companion and necessary "out" for me.
I am going to get back to that.
And, I am happy being single.